Learning to mourn without food

I am sad.

I have been sad now for five days (give or take two days in the middle, where I thought I’d found peace).

But yesterday, in a middle of a conversation with Michael J. about de-cluttering, despair washed over in me in waves.

The spirit of my beloved companion for the last 19 1/2 years departed her body and returned to the – for lack of a better word – “energy soup” of the universe.

And I am left here, staring at my other life-long companion – food – with longing.

And not just any food, but the fat, salt, and sugar filled foods.

If I didn’t know that Michael would catch me full out, there is not a doubt in my find that I could finish off a jar of peanut butter (or a tub of tahini or a bottle of wine) without blinking an eye.

I finally know what people mean by the term “numbing out.”

So I drink my water, munch on kale chips, and exercise.

Instead of grabbing a spoon, I picked up an old forgotten chick lit novel that I’d bought once in some airport that I started but never finished.

And when Harley, Michael J’s cat, who isn’t sure what it means exactly to be the only cat in the house again, crawls up next to me and lays his head in the crook of my arm, I am simultaneously grateful and guilty.

Feeling your feelings. Who knew?

I settled down to sleep in Michael’s arms last night and just as I started to drift, deep choking wails broke forth from my chest – again, like a tidal wave, uncontrollable, unexpected, unheralded.

Life moves forward, haltingly, without compassion – and, if I have anything to do with it – without peanut butter or anything else that I might be tempted to use not only to ease, but also to hide, cover, and ignore the loss of a life that meant so much to me.

I love you
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you

6 comments so far

  1. Linda on

    Just reading Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth. Your thoughts on turning to food resonate well with many of us. Your journey since I first met you in 5th grade has been extraordinary. Hope you can remember who you are when sadness lures you to the bag of Oreos. I know you will. 🙂

  2. KJ on

    Thank you, Linda. That means a lot to me. You know, I have that book but then accidentally left it at my mother’s house this summer, unread. I told her to wrap it up and give it to me for Christmas…though I suppose Fedex (or the public library) is an option. Until then, I’ll break out my belly dance scarf – there’s something about the colors and the sounds that make me smile, no matter how much it hurts. Namaste.

  3. Olivia on

    I am thinking of you. Your posts continue to inspire me. Thank you for sharing so much here.

    Huge, huge hugs,

    • KJ on

      Thank you, Olivia!

      I miss our long leisurely lunches at the Hanover Inn for no reason other than the company!


  4. Amy on

    awwww ((huggs))

  5. […] Granted, I’ve been really sad over the last three weeks or so. Not miserable, but definitely feeling a loss. […]

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