Archive for the ‘challenges’ Category
Learning to mourn without food
I am sad.
I have been sad now for five days (give or take two days in the middle, where I thought I’d found peace).
But yesterday, in a middle of a conversation with Michael J. about de-cluttering, despair washed over in me in waves.
The spirit of my beloved companion for the last 19 1/2 years departed her body and returned to the – for lack of a better word – “energy soup” of the universe.
And I am left here, staring at my other life-long companion – food – with longing.
And not just any food, but the fat, salt, and sugar filled foods.
If I didn’t know that Michael would catch me full out, there is not a doubt in my find that I could finish off a jar of peanut butter (or a tub of tahini or a bottle of wine) without blinking an eye.
I finally know what people mean by the term “numbing out.”
So I drink my water, munch on kale chips, and exercise.
Instead of grabbing a spoon, I picked up an old forgotten chick lit novel that I’d bought once in some airport that I started but never finished.
And when Harley, Michael J’s cat, who isn’t sure what it means exactly to be the only cat in the house again, crawls up next to me and lays his head in the crook of my arm, I am simultaneously grateful and guilty.
Feeling your feelings. Who knew?
I settled down to sleep in Michael’s arms last night and just as I started to drift, deep choking wails broke forth from my chest – again, like a tidal wave, uncontrollable, unexpected, unheralded.
Life moves forward, haltingly, without compassion – and, if I have anything to do with it – without peanut butter or anything else that I might be tempted to use not only to ease, but also to hide, cover, and ignore the loss of a life that meant so much to me.
I love you
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
Packing up the kitchen, uhm, I mean, the suitcase
Filed under: challenges, food, gluten-free, nutrition, raw food, travel |
Leave a Comment I am traveling again. This time to Atlanta – downtown Atlanta, not one of the cute little neighborhoods with fun shops, boutiques, and grocery stores. But to the empty, deserted, hotel and restaurant infested part of the city.
So, as always – and even a little more so than always – I am packing my own food. And, as per usual, it looks like I’m going to be bringing more food than clothes!
The list, so far:
Susan’s Kale Chips 2.0
1 bag of Organic Baby Spinach
1 box of cherry tomatoes
1 gallon sized bag of chopped veggies: broccoli, carrots, turnips, and zucchini
Enough Chocolate Rice and Protein Powder for at least 4 shakes
3-4 avocados
Energy bars
Psyllium Husk
Spirulina
Almond butter
Kitchen utensils:
1 spoon
1 travel sponge
1 large cup
1 travel-sized Magic Bullet Blender
I’m sure I’m forgetting something; as I almost always do!
So, why am I bringing all of this food – particularly since I have lunch and dinner dates planned every day that I am there?
The powders, the spinach, and the avocados (or maybe the almond butter, depending on my mood) are all for breakfast. If I don’t have MY breakfast, the day is pretty much shot for food for me. If I don’t start off with my regular 60+ gram protein BOMB, I can pretty much count on a bad eating day. When I do start the day off with a shake, no matter where I am, I am more sated, I am more grounded, and I am much more likely to be in control of my eating (as opposed to the other way around).
And as someone who is 85% (more or less) raw vegan, it’s hard to get a satisfying meal out. Most restaurants’ idea of a big salad (see earlier post on this topic) wouldn’t feed a rabbit! So instead of being all weird about it, I’ve decided to just go and order a salad (where possible) and eat it. Even if it’s not particularly satisfying, I know that I have PLENTY of nutrition in my room to fall back on. Using this approach, “eating out” with friends will really be more like “hanging out.” Eat a little salad, drink a little water – then go back to my room for my real lunch or, as the case may be, dinner.
Now, even though Atlanta – at least the part I am going to me in – is not that diet friendly, there is a Legal Sea Food, which does have a pretty generous Gluten-Free Menu. Given that gluten-free is the mandatory condition and the raw/vegan is just the preference, I should be in pretty good shape on Saturday night – as that’s where my very understanding friend made reservations. And, believe it or not, Atlanta also has a Raw Restaurant! It’s not downtown, but it’s only a MARTA ride away. As it turns out, I have a chunk of time available on Saturday, so I’ll definitely be checking that out for lunch! And as a service to raw aficionados everywhere, I’ll be sure to let you know!
Shining the Light On the Ghost of Gym Teachers Past
A few weeks ago (or maybe months at this point), I told you that I had started doing High Intensity Interval Training, otherwise known as H.I.I.T.
I was pretty excited about it and I told you that I would keep you posted. Part of the reason I was excited about it is that it gives you little bursts of energy – bursts of energy that may very well have saved the life of Michael J’s super-friendly, but not overly bright feline, Harlequin. But that’s another story and one that I’ve shared before.
Since that fortuitous day, my love of H.I.I.T. has dwindled.
1) It’s hard.
2) It’s not nearly as fun as spinning.
3) Did I mention that it’s hard?
Or at least that’s the story I kept telling myself – all the while ignoring the fact that I loved how I felt once I was done (partly because it is hard and I really felt like I accomplished something) and how I could literally see and feel myself getting stronger by the day.
So, I sat down and really thought about it. Why do I dislike this so much? Why do I have such strong internal resistance to this particular form of exercise? I mean, seriously. I am a woman who did P90X (three times) with more enthusiasm. So what’s the deal?
The clues to the answer to my question came from two places.
One, I was bemoaning my fate to my Aunt Linda and she said, “I think I might actually like this. It sounds like the stuff we used to do in school. And it doesn’t sound like you need a lot of fancy equipment.”
Ding.
Something resonated deep down in the depths of my psyche.
Two, I’ve been working with a personal coach who is awesome. She’s been having me do written exercises that will help me bust through the resistance I have to doing certain things in my real life – things like reviewing articles, starting my book, cleaning the house, doing H.I.I.T. exercises.
During the one of the exercises, one of the steps is to write down all of the negative emotions and thoughts associated with doing H.I.I.T. When I got to that part, I heard that same low tone. And all of a sudden, I was back at the gym at Carver Middle School, during the week of the the Presidential Fitness Test – thank you Ronald Reagan. May you be best remembered for terrorizing poor, clumsy, fat kids across America.
I realized that not only did H.I.I.T. remind me of middle school gym class in general (just like they had reminded my Aunt of hers), but it also reminded me of one particular instance of middle school gym class that was so personally horrifying that I didn’t even tell my sister about it until a few months ago (some 27 years after the fact). And when I told Michael J., sometime after that, I cried.
Methinks herein lies the problem.
I’m putting this out there – shining the light on my demons, if you will – to see if I can exorcise them once and for all and hopefully, get on with the act of exercising!
At my middle school, we had a female coach (Coach Holmes) and a male coach (Coach Rogers). Technically, I was in Coach Rogers’ class, who was a very sensitive and perceptive soul. However, during the week of the Presidential FItness Tests, all of the girls went to Coach Holmes’ office to get weighed and measured and all the boys reported to Coach Rogers’. Unfortunately, Coach Holmes, though nice enough, was not nearly as sensitive or perceptive as her male counterpart.
Imagine, if you will, a group of middle-school aged girls standing in line as the teacher for all intents and purposes shouts out your weight to her student aid, who just happened to be her very attractive, athletic, and if memory serves reigning kick-pin champion/cheerleader daughter, Kendra.
I step onto the scale.
Dead silence.
I look at Coach Holmes.
She looks at me.
We look at the scale: 180.
“It must be broken,” she says.
“It’s not broken,” I say. “Why would it be broken now when it wasn’t broken when anyone else stepped on it?”
“That can’t be right,” she says.
“It’s right,” I assure.
Kendra, bless her heart, looks embarrassed.
“Go down to Coach Roger’s office and use his scale. That can’t be right.”
“It’s right.”
“Just do down to Coach’s office and try it again.”
I remember stepping off the scale and marching, face beet red, down to the other end of the cavernous gym, thinking I had never been so mortified in my life.
I was wrong.
Halfway down the length of the basketball quart, I hear Coach Holmes yell, “Coach Rogers, I’m sending Lively down there to weigh, because I think this scale is broken.”
The entire gym fell silent and 60 pairs of eyes landed on my chubby body simultaneously.
Someone laughed.
(Do you blame them?)
I kept my head up and walked steadily into Coach Roger’s office.
“Lively?”
“It’s not broken,” I said.
And he nodded silently and laid a sympathetic hand on my arm. “I’ll tell her.”
Maybe there is something valuable about airing your dirty laundry, because as I tell it, it doesn’t seem that bad. But as I carried it around with me for years, it was one of my most tightly guarded miseries. I’m hopeful that tomorrow, when it’s time to exercise, I will not feel that lingering sense of dread, reluctance, or resistance.
By putting it out there for the world to see, to share, and perhaps even to think, “What’s she complaining about? That’s nothing,” maybe it will, indeed, become nothing.
As always, I’ll let you know.
And if any of my old middle school friends read this and you ever happen to see Coach Holmes, give her my best. Because I realize, in retrospect, that that’s what she was only trying to do.
Searching for a new love
It’s important to love what you do – else you won’t do it.
When you find something you love, it’s not a chore. You feel awesome afterwards. You enjoy it in process. You look forward to doing it. And you miss it when you’re not doing it.
When you haven’t found something you love (but you’re making yourself do it anyway) it’s always a chore. You don’t feel awesome afterwards (if you’re lucky, you just feel relieved). You don’t enjoy it in process. You dread doing it and are therefore susceptible to any reason to not do it. And you certainly don’t miss it when you’ve skipped it. You might feel guilty, because all too often it’s something that you should have done, but you don’t actually regret not having done the thing itself.
This is true of almost everything that you know you should be doing.
In this case, it’s exercise.
For those of you who know me, you might be surprised that I am bemoaning exercise. I mean, I am addicted to exercise, right?
Wrong.
I was addicted to the long drawn out intensive cardio workouts that the new weight loss experts actually tell you causes fat storage!
I liked being on the stair mill for an hour.
I loved spinning!
I loved the feeling of working out anaerobically and being drenched in sweat!
Since I gave up spinning (almost two years ago) I have been struggling to find a new love.
I tried straight cardio, which, as noted, has been suggested actually causes fat storage (and based on my own experience and the credentials of the weight loss coaches I have encountered, I believe it). I tried kettle bells, and I have tried High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT).
HIIT works, no doubt about it. Problem is that I don’t love it, so it’s hard for me to be consistent with it. It’s hard and even though it’s only 20 or 30 (or sometimes 40 minutes depending on the workout) there is a big psychological resistance to be overcome every time I think about dusting off the exercise shoes.
Then of course there is my own ongoing love affair (NOT!) with yoga. Oh, if I could just learn to love yoga! I love yoga clothes. I love how good it is for you on any number of fronts. Hell, I love the bodies of the women I know that do it. But there’s just something missing.
Then there’s the newest weapon in my arsenal: Belly Dancing.
I actually tried Belly Dancing today. It was fun. It was harder than it looked. It is definitely going into the rotation – even if only because I want to wear the nifty belt!
Spinning was my one true love – followed quickly by the TreadClimber, then the StairMill.
Everything else has been a far fourth, fifth, and sixth.
I’m not sure how to remedy that. Though maybe I’ll just mix it up. Maybe if I have five or six things I sort of like, I’ll be able to convince myself to do at least one of them (if not more).
Yeah, as my father is so fond of saying, that’s the ticket. I’ll mix things up and see how that goes. And maybe, just maybe, if I try hard enough and squint long enough, I’ll fall in love again when I least expect it!
Wish me luck.
Strike Two on Personality!
As I mentioned in my last post, I recently learned that INTJs (Introverted INtuitive Thinker Judgers), under times of stress are more likely to seek out full body experiences, which include, among other things (like sex and exercise), eating!
Given that I have struggled with stress eating (some would call it bingeing) and – to a lesser degree – overexercise my whole life, this made a lot of sense to me.
We then moved on to the Enneagram Personality Model. Well, as it turns out I am a 5 Personality Type (also known as the Stinge). Stinge’s hoard. They always think that they need more of whatever it is. I could give you a thousand examples of how this plays out in my daily life now that I am aware of it (including how I routinely hide protein bars in my bag so that Michael J won’t eat the one’s that I want and how I routinely hog all of the flat surfaces in the house with of the stuff that I’ve been hoarding for God only knows how long), but I won’t. Just trust me: it’s there!
Interestingly, the Enneagram Personality Model tells you what your basic preferences or behavior patterns are at three points: where you are normally (which for me is a 5) and where you go under times of stress and intimacy. Without going into too much gory detail, where I go under intimacy explains a lot about my history with men (and with friends). And where I go under stress is – you guessed it – Gluttony!
Interestingly, the Myer’s-Brigg and the Enneagram are not perfectly correlated with one another. You can think of one as supplementing the other.
So, just my luck – what didn’t get covered by stress eating gets “covered” by my propensity to choose gluttony!
Now, one approach to this information might be just say, that’s the way I am, so I have permission to act that way…so I should just pull my chair up to the fridge and be done with it. However, personality can also be thought of as a decision that you made as a child in response to an arbitrary event that you had confirmed over and over again during the course of your life as opposed to something that’s biologically hardwired. If you take this second approach, then I can view my propensity to stress eat simply as a learned pattern of behavior that can be unlearned.
The key is remembering to observe it (and acknowledge it) not as something that can’t be changed, but as just something I do because it’s comfortable. It’s a choice. It’s not set in stone. It’s not just the way I am. And, perhaps even more importantly, it’s not me.
So the next time I catch myself stress eating, I will just observe the behavior and acknowledge that that’s the choice I made.
And, who knows? Perhaps, in time, I’ll learn to choose a different choice.
Getting back on the horse
Two days ago, I was in the middle of a binge. It was the first one I’d had in months – a quick look at my electronic food diary revealed that the last one happened earlier this year on Monday, March 29.
For that one, I had an excuse, sort of.
If you recall, I was trapped in an airplane and hadn’t had any vegetables to speak of for several days. I went nuts – figuratively and literally on raw flax bread and almond butter.
It wasn’t pretty. And I felt like crap for at least two days after the fact.
This last Thursday, I had no such excuse. Other than I was completely stressed out and instead of choosing to manage my state, I surrendered to (well, in fact, I pretty much invited them in) all of my old standbys. In other words, I stuffed my face and didn’t think to clearly or consciously about what was really going on.
In the space of two hours, I had my lunch, my snack, and four high energy protein bars. Yes, you read that correctly: four. Not one. Not two. Not three. But FOUR! It was really over the top.
What was even more over the top is that I had another one in my hand. And I was actually thinking, “Well, if I eat these other SIX, this will never happen again.”
Thank goodness something – still not sure what it was (unless maybe it was a gag reflex) – snapped me out of it.
My normal routine following such a feeding frenzy would have been to beat myself both mentally and at the gym and probably skip dinner to boot.
This time, I decided to take a different tack. This time, I decided to forgive myself.
In fact, I ate dinner (albeit a very clean dinner of cauliflower rice [dressed with a touch of sesame seed oil and Braggs amino acid] and raw asparagus) and I went to bed, without exercise. It was a conscious choice not to exercise, because I wasn’t sure that I would be able to do it in a way where I wouldn’t be punishing my body for my mind’s bad behavior.
The only thing that I regret about that decision is that I didn’t do yoga – not because of anything to do my body (though one could argue that yoga always does a body good), but because of the potential it would have had for quieting the mind.
The day had been so bad – and there had been so much negative energy thrown at me from so many quarters – when I finally managed to go to sleep, I had nightmares. In fact, they so were bad that I woke Michael J up screaming! (As he pointed out to me the next morning, the reason you do yoga before bed is to calm the negative energy so that you can sleep more restfully.)
Even though I had nightmares – which could have very easily resulted in one or both of us getting a black eye – I did sleep over 10 hours, a sure sign that I needed it.
Yesterday, I decided that I had to get back on the horse.
In other words, no matter how bad the day before had been, there was no excuse for 1) engaging in negative self talk that might lead me back down the previous black hole or 2) continuing to overeat.
In the spirit of nurturing myself (because obviously the binge was my body – if not my mind – crying out for attention), I began to let go of things that were no longer serving me. I canceled all of my appointments that could be canceled without harming someone else, I discharged one of my pressing work obligations, I moved deadlines, I changed the things that I found myself consistently complaining about, and I made sure that I had plenty of fun, healthy food. In fact, in addition to my old favorites, which I may getting a bit bored with actually, I also tried @choosingraw’s Broccoli Hummus recipe, which, I must say, is absolutely divine. (Note: If you’re raw and you’re looking for a hummus recipe that doesn’t have tahini and a ton of olive oil, look no further!)
I also went for a walk and soaked up the sun, choosing to focus on my mental health (I took time out of my walk to watch the neighbors’ horses frolicking in the field) and increasing my Vitamin D than on burning off the calories that I had consumed the day before.
It was a nice gentle day and even though my tummy may be a little bigger than it was three days ago, I (the physical, the mental, and the emotional parts of me) felt loved and nourished.
This morning, I exercised normally and for the first time in a long time it just felt like good, honest exercise. It didn’t feel like I was punishing myself or, worse, like I was mad at my body. It felt good. It felt a lot like what I imagined it must have felt like for those horses who were playing joyously in the sun warmed grass.
Today I feel back to normal.
It took two days to feel physically better after consuming nearly the double of my typical intake of sugar.
It took two days to feel mentally better about the decisions I made (on Thursday) and all of the the ones prior that led up to it.
It took two days to feel emotionally better after coming to terms with the stressors in my life that I had pushed aside up until the point where my body forced me to listen.
Am I glad that I consumed 1,000 calories in less than 20 minutes? Not really.
But I am glad that I realized that the binge was a reflection on the state of my life – as opposed to the state of my body.
And I am glad I realized that there are things that I can do (and, as noted, have already begun to do) to make sure that days like Thursday become fewer and further between.
Wow – binge alert
I am in a full fledged binge. Talk about being far from one’s highest self.
I hope that just putting it out there will break the cycle.
I am going to take a deep breath, jettison some stress, and forgive myself as quickly and with as much heart felt sincerity as I can possibly muster.
Wish me luck.
Learning to Listen
Filed under: calories, challenges, exercise, struggles, weight loss |
Leave a Comment Over the last few weeks I have been doing my best to learn to listen to and, subsequently, trust my body.
I’m doing this, in part, because I am beginning to appreciate that my longest term, most committed relationship to date is not the one I share with my 19 year old long haired white tortoise shell cat, but the one that I share with my body.
And unlike all of the men in my life, the relationship that I have with my physical self is literally, “Til death do us part.”
With a little help from some very talented weight loss coaches, I’ve come to understand that I need to love my body, because when I start loving her (notice I did not say it), she will start loving me back.
When I start trusting her, she will start trusting me.
And when that happens, we will begin to do what we want.
And what we want, ostensibly, is to feel great, have tons of energy, and live comfortably in our skin.
My journey towards self acceptance started about two years ago when I realized that there was some part of me that still linked weight loss to death. I named that part of me Kathy Jo and have since teamed up with her so that we can, in fact, reach our shared health goals.
Today, my body was hungry. Very hungry.
In fact, by 10:30 a.m., not only had I eaten breakfast, I had also had a couple of snacks and started lunch.
Was this a binge? No, not really. And I say that not because I didn’t eat 750 calories in the space of a few hours (which I did), but because I took several deep breaths between bites, drank quite a bit of water, and really thought about the question: Are you really hungry?
As it turned out, the answer was yes.
So, I ate: an Organic Raw bar, a handful of raw almonds, a serving of tomato and basil soup (also raw), and a zucchini sliced up like Ruffles Potato Chips.
Then, not surprisingly since I had just consumed all that energy, my body wanted to move.
Was this the mind, feeling guilty about all that food? Maybe. I hope not.
So my body and I packed up our work and went to the gym.
And instead of punching in a pre-selected workout, I did whatever my body felt like doing – at whatever length and at whatever level of intensity.
And the minute that she was done – the minute that it even whiffed of punishment – I stopped.
I didn’t push.
I wasn’t disappointed.
In fact, as it turned out, I actually had a better workout (body-wise, heart-rate-wise, and even calorie-wise) when I let her do it.
My weight loss coaches tell me that the body doesn’t like to be defined by a number on the scale and the body certainly doesn’t like counting calories.
While I have let her have her way on the former, I still cling stubbornly to the latter. I’d like to think that I am merely recording what I eat, without actually restricting what I eat, but – in practice – I know that’s not entirely true.
Sometimes I wonder what (and how much) I would eat if I stopped counting calories. Other times I wonder if it would be possible for me to sit down to a meal and not automatically know how many calories were adorning the plate.
My biggest fear is that I would overeat (whatever that means) and that I would do it often.
My coaches, however, would say that if I were truly listening, I would only do it once, because the body doesn’t like to be numbed out, overfull, or stuffed. That if I truly listened, I’d reach for the salad naturally instead of the tahini or the cacao or, better yet, the full-fat, full-sugar ice cream that I haven’t had in months, if not years.
Needless to say, I’m not entirely there yet.
But I am listening – or at least I am trying.
And, perhaps even more importantly, I forgive myself for my inability to trust.
I also keep reminding myself (particularly every time I fire up LoseIt) that the more I listen, the more likely it is that I will eventually hear.
A little less airy fairy and a little more substance
For the last month or so I have not felt much like myself.
It’s been hard to concentrate – to the point that expressing a single, coherent thought sometimes seemed like a challenge. Needless to say, teaching has been quite the experience this term 
I began looking into what’s changed for me recently.
Additional stress? Check.
Getting the recommended 8 hours of sleep? Not at all.
Competing demands in my most salient and committed social roles? You bet.
Changed absolutely everything about my diet (that is going from maybe 30 to 95% raw) in the the last six months? Yep.
Changed my body at a biophysical level? That too.
The weird thing is that I actually feel great. Post the 10 Week Transformation Program with Rose Cole, which included a 31 day cleanse, I have a lot more energy, fewer blood sugar spikes, fewer cravings (except for that week where Michael J and I went on a slight raw honey binge), and when I do sleep, it’s always deep and restful.
So, what could be the problem?
Yesterday, Michael J forwarded me a link to Laura Bruno’s blog. Laura Bruno is a professional intuitive who has helped people deal with cancer, addictions, endocrine imbalances, grief, infections, fibromyalgia, stroke, and weight loss. Her specialties include diet and herbal remedies, menopause, communication, soul readings, illnesses that baffle doctors, dream interpretation, and finding blessings in times of crisis.
I must admit, my initial reaction was you’re a what?! But as I tamped down my skepticism of anything that smacks even remotely of “woo-woo,” the following paragraph practically jumped off the page:
Sometimes raw foodists have a difficult time staying “grounded.” They enjoy the clarity and high of 100% raw food but after awhile start feeling spacey, out of body or generally disconnected from “the real world.” If this describes you, then eating locally can help in two ways. First, if you live in the Northern Hemisphere, you will drastically reduce the amount of airy fairy yin foods in your diet because bananas, coconuts and cacao don’t grow in Pennsylvania or New Hampshire. Or England. Second, eating food grown within 1-50 miles of where you live anchors you to that locale. Raw foodies like to say, “You are what you eat.” Indeed, you are also “Where you eat.” If you have trouble with “Be here now,” try working in some local goodies. It really does help!
Hmph. A professional intuitive? Who knew? I certainly didn’t.
But what I do know now is she’s got one more dedicated reader!
Luckily for me, we’re finally heading into spring in my little corner of the world, so a lot of the foods that I naturally like to eat – kale, chard, etc. – are coming in locally. Hopefully this means that things will start looking up.
However, until spring has fully sprung, I will do my best to start incorporating more macrobiotic principles into the diet – even if it’s something as simple as remembering to better chew my food.
I’ll be sure to keep you posted either way and do my best to keep my head out of the clouds and my feet firmly planted on the ground.
One Hundred Pushups
My colleague invited me to join her in her quest to do 100 consecutive push ups. Since I’m normally the extreme exerciser in the office – though not so much lately – I agreed to join her.
My initial test yielded 18 good push-ups; obviously I’ve lost quite a bit since my back to back P90X days!
Anyone care to join us? Come on, you can even get your very own iPhone app to keep you motivated. How much fun is that?
Regardless, I’ll keep you posted periodically as to my (our) progress!
Note to self: Living in the primal brain
I suppose that the title of this blog is somewhat redundant, because isn’t that what a blog is, by definition?
Yesterday I blogged about how bad I felt after a day of high-fat/low-water content food. I literally felt like crap. It’s amazing what you can do to yourself even when the only thing in your carry on bag is either made out of flax or almond. It’s scary to think of what I might have gotten up to if I’d actually had junk food in there! Or had helped myself even once to the stadium box of glutenous, sugar filled, processed crap that the airlines attendants – good intentions aside – were peddling (or rather, pushing).
But I digress.
My point is that this morning, I woke up feeling amazing!
Yesterday, I reverted back to my old eating and exercise habits – well, actually with a little dose of circumspection thrown in for good measure.
So, even though there may be a couple of extra pounds for a while, it was good to know that I can get back to go – at least in terms of how I feel – with just a little direction, dedication, and – of course – resources. Because goodness knows I like to tell myself that binge wouldn’t have happened if I’d had access to veggies!
(And I’m going to keep telling myself that, for the time being, but there will be more to come on this topic in future posts!)
While most people might read this and think, “Duh!”, I realized that when I fall off the wagon – so to speak – I automatically assume that I’m off the wagon forever. That if I had one bad food day – that’s it! I’ll never be able to eat healthy food again. If I eat cooked food, I’ll never want anything raw again. If I gain 1 pound, I’ll never lose it again! Not only will I never lose it again – 100 of it’s closest friends are going to move back in as well!
I’m sure that this comes as no surprise to anyone who has ever spent anytime around me after a bad food day – it certainly won’t to my sister! – but it was quite the epiphany to me.
I went to a marketing seminar this weekend and the presenter said that when people are in pain, they lose their ability to think rationally in terms of consequences or cause and effect. That they revert immediately to their “primal brain” – the one that is concerned only with survival. They essentially lose the ability to think, which is why some of the best marketing strikes at emotion, as opposed to cognition.
So, I realize – after close to 24 years – that when it comes to me and my weight issues, I go immediately to the primal brain.
So I learned what happens.
And I also learned why it happens.
Unfortunately, I missed the how – that is, how the heck do I stop going there every single time?!
Well, for now I guess it’s enough to know – at least in my human brain – that it does happen and that I can pull myself out the tail spin at any time.
As I work on figuring out the how – including what I can do to put these strategies into place right now, I’ll be sure to share. Just on the off chance anyone else reverts as quickly as I do. And, as always, any suggestions that you might have will be welcomed with open arms!
Day Ten of Ten
We made it! The limeade fast is done – or will be in a few minutes, after we go to bed.
Today, I started cooking again. I made a balancing broth from Penni Shelton’s book, Raw Food Cleanse: Restore Health and Lose Weight by Eating Delicious , All-Natural Foods – Instead of Starving Yourself and some flax crackers from Raw Dawg Rory’s excellent e-book Getting Raw with Raw Dawg Rory. I also made some tabouli (albeit with red quinoa instead of bulgur) for Michael J, in case he’s up to adding that back in for dinner.
It’s funny the things that almost undo you.
In my case, it was the soggy sweet potato that I strained out of the broth and the strip of seeds that I’d removed from the cucumber.
I think the smell of food – not to mention the weight of it in my hands after 10 days – made me weak. But I prevailed. I sipped on and stayed strong.
But everything (and everyone has their limits), so instead of sitting here and smelling the scents of the crackers which are dehydrating in the basement, I am off for my last cup of Senna tea and then to bed.
Though I typically hate Day Light Savings Time, I am grateful that my last day of the cleanse was for all intents and purposes one hour shorter than the first nine.
Good night.
Stay tuned for more cleansing adventures as Michael J and I turn our attention to the 21 Day Sugar Detox!
Nine down, one more to go!
Yes, I’m still alive after 8 days of limeade cleansing!
The most incongruous part of this whole process has, ironically, not been the complete absence of food, but my workout shoes that have laid untouched next to the Nordic Track. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve gone 8 – 9 days without exercise.
Now granted, I have done some light yoga (barefoot) and walked from my car to the office (in my regular shoes), but there’s been no sustained activity.
I figure there will be plenty time for that next week, however, as I attempt to restart my metabolism, which has surely slowed during this process.
The next eleven days will be interesting, because, believe it or not, we’re not done!
Tomorrow – while I’m still on the green juice – will involve food prep. Again, it was a shock to open the dishwasher for the first time in a week and see, lo and behold, dishes! Not to mention the forgotten feel of a fork in my hand. I remember laughing with Penni Shelton, the founder of Raw Food Rehab said, when starting her juice feast, “Sometimes it’s a good idea to just step away from the fork for a while.” I think she might be on to something.
Then, from Monday March 15 to Wednesday March 24, we’re on a ten day deep liver cleanse, which introduces some food, but not a lot.
Breakfast – 2 scoops of NutriClear and 1 scoop of rice protein powder and a package of detox supplements.
Lunch – a clean meal (meaning nothing with anything that even remotely looks like sugar) and another pack of supplements.
Snack – 2 scoops of Nutriclear and 1 scoop of rice protein powder.
Dinner – a clean meal (again, no sugar) and yet another pack of supplements.
Personally, I think this is going to be more challenging than the limeade fast, because at least with the limeade you could get a sugar hit every 10 minutes – whether you needed it or not.
However, I am thrilled to be back in the kitchen tomorrow. First up: Ani Phyo’s Black Sesame Sunflower Bread!
Then, between March 25 – April 3, even though we will be on regular meals (that is, no more Nutriclear and Rice Protein Powder shakes for breakfast and snack) we’ll still be sugar free.
Let me tell you, the term spring cleaning has taken on a whole new meaning at Camp Living Lively!
Six down, four to go
I really can’t believe how quickly time flies when you’re not eating!
Maybe it’s because I’m getting more sleep, which is a good thing.
Maybe it’s because I’m not spending all of my time planning, preparing, consuming, and cleaning up after my next meal!
Whatever it is, it’s interesting. Time has become as fluid as my meal supplements. And it’s not because I’m light headed either!
Today, I actually broke down and bought a German engineered tongue brush/scraper, because the fuzzy tongue thing had just gotten the better of me.
I also bought a dry skin brush.
Dry skin brushing is probably old hat to most people, but it was new to me. And boy was it exhilarating – especially after a long massage where the masseuse actually “cupped” my feet and slathered my abdomen in caster oil in an attempt to get the lymph to move more freely through my body!
Off to get at least eight hours of sleep.
Stay tuned for day seven!
P.S. I’m actually more concerned about adding the food back in, as Michael J and I are heading into 21 days of no sugar – no fruit, no chocolate, no nothing. But I guess there will be food, for which I I am pretty darned sure that by that point I will be grateful!
Two down, eight to go
Second day of the limeade fast.
More energy? Check.
Fuzzy tongue? Check.
Headache? Nope.
Hungry? Surprisingly, not at all.
Amazing.
If someone had told me three years ago – heck, three weeks ago – what I would be able to go two days without food and not really even miss it, I would have laughed in their face.
Stay tuned.
The importance of planning ahead
I am going to be traveling again and the first thing I thought: what am I going to eat?
Instead of stressing about it too much, I just asked for what I need. It worked pretty well last time, so I thought I might try it again.
First things first, I asked the very helpful person who has been coordinating my upcoming visit if she could take me a to a grocery store immediately upon landing. This is imperative, as I typically travel with a blender – a travel blender at that – and love making green smoothies in my hotel rooms. I find that if I start the day off normally – well, as normally as anyone who drinks spinach, broccoli, red pepper, carrots, cayenne pepper and pear for breakfast can – then the rest of the day will go that much smoother. Of course she said yes.
Second, even though I am the keynote speaker at a banquet (hence the invitation to travel), I asked that a special meal be prepared: a large plate of uncooked vegetables or a large salad. No problem, she assured me. Now, who knows what the quality of the veggies will be, but that’s why it’s important to make sure I have snacks and high quality produce in my room for after the event.
Third, there are people who want to take me out to dinner when I get there – presumably after the trip to the grocery store and before the main event (which is the next day). When asked if I had any preferences, I simply said that i was currently on a raw vegan diet and that anywhere where I could get a big salad and perhaps an avocado – or at least someplace that wouldn’t object if I brought my own – then I was golden.
This is what she sent back, saying that it wasn’t raw, but she was sure they would accommodate.
Looking at the menu – particularly the appetizers and the salads – I think I may be the one to accommodate.
Given that the definition of High Raw is 80% raw or more, I think I’ll be okay. Meanwhile, that Cauliflower Miso is calling my name….
The moral of this story: I used to be really concerned about asking for what I need. I used to think that I was being bothersome or troublesome. What I’ve found as I have practiced this – and not been so apologetic about it – is that people are happy to help. But it helps if you’ve done your research. If you’re going to go visit someplace new, find out what the options are ahead of time. I lucked out, because my colleague happened to know about The Vegiterranean.
And for those of you who are traveling to a new place, without the benefit of helpful hosts, the internet is your friend. It’s amazing what you can find – and where you can find it – in just a few minutes on-line.
One down, nine to go
Michael and I just finished the first day of a limeade fast.
There’s a lot to say about this (including how horrifyingly fuzzy my tongue is at the moment); but now is not the time.
Stay tuned.
And just when I thought I had it beat….
….stress eating comes a callin’!
Ironic, given that I just lost that ten pounds again.
Yes, I am back below 140 and look remarkably different than I did just 5 weeks ago.
All of my clothes are looser, the shape of my thighs are different.
I’ve lost at least one inch off the waist.
I should feel pretty good about now, right?
Then why did I spend the entire evening eating way more than I should and, more to the point, more than I really wanted?
All of the weight loss coaches I know say that you eat to hide your emotions and that you’d be better off journaling them so that you can confront them once and for all. Intellectually, I know that, but it’s so much easier to grab a handful of walnuts.
(The good news is that although walnuts are incredibly fattening, they’re also really good for you. So, in that sense, I suppose it could have been worse).
So what am I feeling?
Besides overfull?
Well, let’s be honest: fear.
Fear.
Overwhelm.
Jubilation.
Excitement.
Fear (oh, did I say that already?)
I know the what; what I don’t know – really know – is the why.
Why am I afraid to be thin?
It’s not about not feeling strong or not wanting to be healthy – it’s about the size and shape of my body. And this isn’t the first time it’s happened. When I lost the weight the first time, I was at 142 for all of about 2 days. Last year, I got to 138.4, which lasted a little longer – at least 4 days, maybe 5!
So here are my questions for tonight, assuming I was the journaling type: Why am I afraid of being thin?
And when I figure that one out: What is the end goal? What does it represent to me if I achieve it? And what does it mean if I don’t?
Is it more important to be a solid size four (which means breaking through my limiting beliefs about who I am and what I look like) or to be a semi-solid size six who is comfortable in her skin?
One of my coaches says that if you really don’t want to do something, then that’s the thing you need to do most.
I’ll think about that too.
And who knows, I might even pick up a pen and write about it (because God knows that I’m going to be mad as hell if I get back on that scale come Wednesday and it says 142).
Can Someone Help Me Deal With Well-Intentioned Skinny People?
Filed under: challenges, food, raw food, relationships, triggers |
Comments (5) Or, rather, my reaction to them.
I am really not bashing skinny people – after all, I want to be one of them, right?
But if another well-intentioned skinny person comments on the quantity of food that I eat, I may scream.
I sat down to a meal recently with a friend of mine and brought out three raw cabbage roles (made with beet and carrot slaw and cashew cheez). All total, that meal had 255 calories in it, max.
My companion exclaims: “Wow, that’s a lot of food!”
I immediately get offended.
I remind them of how it annoyed me when my other friend had made a similar comment about my (“Wow, that’s a lot of smoothie”) Green Smoothie. I then defensively (and this was probably my mistake) pointed out that it only had X many calories and was extremely healthy.
“Oh, I get that,” they responded. “I just couldn’t eat that much food. My stomach’s just not that big.”
Wow.
In less than 2 seconds I went from someone who was feeling pretty darned good about herself physically, to feeling like the 800 pound guy in the pie eating contest at the county fair.
I literally got sick to my stomach and pushed the food away. At that moment, you couldn’t have paid me to eat that food. I seriously thought I was going to throw up.
Luckily, my friend and I are very close and they are incredibly supportive of me. In fact, we were able to resolve it pretty quickly, even though my appetite never did come back.
Essentially, once I was able to breathe, I was able to tell them what was wrong (and why I wasn’t eating).
I first expressed my anger and annoyance.
I also mentioned how strange I think it is that people (and it happens a lot) comment on what I eat. And, because I do admittedly eat large portions of super low calorie food, the amount.
I also asked, quite pointedly, when’s the last time they heard me comment when they have McDonald’s fries or 1/2 a pint of Ben and Jerry’s (or both)?
I also expressed my hurt and even used the 800 lb. guy at the pie eating contest as an example.
Then I expressed my deepest and most irrational fear: is that what you (and everyone else) think of me when you see me sit down and eat a big plate of SALAD?
And then my other deepest fear, that is, granted, slightly less irrational: if I get judged for eating lots of healthy food (by volume, not calories) by my friends, then how am I supposed to feel good about adopting a lifestyle that (by definition) requires that you always have food – lots of food – with you, wherever you go?
Has anyone else come across this? And, if so, what’s the best way around it with everyone’s dignity in tact?
P.S. Now, admittedly, I did razz my father some over the holidays about eating bologna and white dinner rolls, though (at the time) I saw it more as a health issue than as a food issue! Note to self: call your father and apologize.
Happy New Year! Live from the Raw Food Rehab Online Community
Filed under: Alkaline Diet, accountability, challenges, food, health, raw food |
Comments (1) It had been my intention to write a big year end blog and something motivating and meaningful about looking forward, but, to tell you the truth, I have spent almost the entire day over at some other woman’s site! Another Tulsan, mind you, but that’s beside the point.
If you’ve been following me at all these last few weeks, you’ll have noticed a new tag popping up on my entries: raw food.
After having recently gone gluten-free, my diet has taken yet another left turn. I think the correct term is “high raw,” which means raw until dinner. All that means is that I’m too big of a chicken to give up cooked food all together. I think that this topic deserves some thought, so hopefully I will be back online tomorrow with something meaningful and motivating.
Meanwhile, if you’re interested in what’s going on in Oklahoma (other than the two amazing raw food restaurants that I mentioned in my last post), go check out Penni Shelton’s blog. And if you’re interested in all things raw, you should check out her ning site: Raw Food Rehab. Or better yet, check out the video. Though be forewarned, it starts in the middle.
Or for the lower resolution clip in its entirely, see below:
I’ll have more to say on my own reasons for joining this year’s 11 week initiative next time!
May you all have a healthy and happy New Year!
